Question and Answers
Question
Dear Dr. Duffy,
I’m 30 years old and I have serious problem, I went to few therapists but all in vain.
I was 17 years old when I met a boy. 1st we were very good friends
but then at age of 19 he went to another country with his family. When we
were apart we felt that we can’t live without each other.
We used to communicate a lot. Specifically I use to tell him each and
every bit of my daily routine. But as u know long distance relations
don’t work well. While there he had a son out of wedlock.
Anyhow after this he returned to me and told me that it was his
mistake. Things started to get back normal. but whenever I asked
him to marry me he always refused.
When we were 27 he had another son. Now, he and his family love this kid a lot.
I talked to him again but he and his mother advised me to move on
with my life.
Now I’m 30, and my problem is that I loved him with a true heart. I
don’t care what he had done back there. Once there was time when he
couldn’t breath without me and now he even don’t talk.
I’m so much into him that I can’t stop thinking about him, I think
and miss him around the clock. Ive tried my level best to forget him
but…
Now its my age to get married but I can’t find anyone. Moreover I
feel that I’m not going to be happy without him.
Because of him I started hating myself and things around me because we
use to share everything.
I hate babies, pregnant women, now because of him I believe everyone is
having affairs with other’s wife and much more. I hate love now.
I want to forget and forgive him but I miss him much. I can’t
explain u what I feel.
He’s such a big playboy he doesn’t care
about love, relations, emotions. But In the past he was good to me.
His family would be happy if I was their daughter-in-law.
I don’t understand how he use to care and wanted me badly
but now he rejects me. I’ve asked him many times but he says I
just don’t want to marry. But if he don’t want to get married then
why he now in a relationshipwith someone else.
I feel rejected, disgraced and like nobody now.
I want to move on but I’m scared and moreover there’s no one to hold my hand.
Please help me, these things are hurting me mentally.
Whatever he ever did he used to come back to me again but now when I
want him for the rest of my life he has rejected me.
Mary,
Answer
Dear Mary
It sounds as if you are addicted to an abusing man. His behavior has
consistently told you he does not value you and will continue to hurt
you. You have been in this relationship for a long time and it will
not be easy to leave. You will need help and support to do this.
Part of the problem is often that the women becomes so isolated and
ashamed(no family, no friends) that her only connection to life is
this man. They are often secretive about what is happening to them.
The longer you stay the harder it is to leave.
You need support and help.
Sometimes therapists can help but my experience is the best thing is
often to join a group of women who have been abused. This can be a
lifeline and a source of information and support. You also need
friends you can trust. This service is also usually free. I suggest
you find a local place that helps abused women.
Here is a website that is a good place to look for information and help.
I wish you the best, you are important and deserve to be treated
better. There is LIFE after an abusive relationship
All the best,
Dr. Duffy
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