PsychSense: Sensible Psychological Solutions

I am often asked what to say or do to comfort someone who is upset. My answer is always : make an empathic comment. In thinking about it however I decided to give some examples of what not to say.

1.”I know just how you feel, when this happened to me blah, blah, blah.”

2. “Everything will work out for the best.”

3. “It’s time to put it behind you”

4.”You will get through this.”

5. “Thinking about it will just make you more upset.”

6. Attempts to change the subject

7. “Let me get you something” (coffee, sandwich etc).

8. “Do you want me to call your therapist, priest” etc.

As you can see, offering clichés like the examples given above will not help the situation or the distressed person. In fact they often make things worse. The person crying will sense your discomfort, may think their feelings are ignored, downplayed, or devalued. They may even become angry at you, or totally shut down.

Most of the comments listed signify the discomfort of the person trying to help. Becoming comfortable with someone who is crying, allowing the expression of feelings, and using the powerful tool of empathy are your best bets; silence also works.

At all costs, avoid clichés. Remember the power of empathy!

I am a great believer in the power of empathy, and view it as number one communication skill.

I really enjoyed this article that theorizes (not proves) that empathy can make people look alike, especially those that love one another.

I wanted to share it with you because it is an uplifting fun to read piece, take a look.

It makes sense to me, any opinions or comments?

In previous posts we talked about communication especially during times of stress.

One of the best ways to encourage communication and calm emotions is with the use of empathy.  Empathy may be called by different names but it follows the same principle.

Learning to make empathic statements is important to anyone who works with people in distress.

• Health Care Workers
•  Emts
• Paramedics
• Police
• Fireman

and even customer service representatives are learning about empathy, it makes their job much easier. It is also helpful in everday life, for everyone.

Empathy is one of the most valuable communication techniques and perhaps the most important of all. Basic empathy has two components. The first component is the ability to “walk in anothers’ shoes”— that is, to understand the experience and feelings of another person in their particular circumstance. The second component of empathy is the ability to successfully communicate that understanding to the other person.

Empathy is not sympathy, which is feeling sorry for someone. It is much more than that. Empathy is the ability to be sensitive to the feelings of another, and simply to understand and appreciate their point of view. Remember, when you make empathic statements about another persons feelings, only state the obvious don’t guess! Don’t make comments on what you think they should feel, or what you believe they are feeling underneath.

Always make empathic statements in a tentative way ( a questioning tone will do) so the person can correct you if you are wrong. It also allows the person to save face. For instance, if you are dealing with someone who is yelling and frustrated because someone stole her purse, the empathic response would be:

I can understand your anger at your purse being stolen. Easy huh, but is it not a duh! It really works.

Here are some examples of what not to say!

• Well at least your not hurt.
• Its not a big deal, you only had ten dollars in your purse.
• We will catch the guy!
• Try not to be so upset.

Statement like this will not help and will likely annoy the person further.

Try out an empathic statement the next time you want to comfort or calm someone.

If  communication between persons is to be successful, helpful, and meaningful, acceptance needs to be part of the process. Acceptance of a person regardless of their situation is crucial for therapeutic communication.  This is especially true when you are trying to communicate with someone who is upset. It is critical for the person to know that you are accepting of them, and will not judge them or what they say.  This makes it possible for them to take a risk and tell you what is really on their mind.  If you are sending judgemental vibs you will not get open honest communication in return. 

Acceptance can be difficult  especially if the person you are trying to help is saying or doing things that are objectionable to you.  Remember, you are accepting the person as a human being in distress, not offering approval of behavior.

The best way to indicate acceptance is active listening which was discussed earlier in this blog.  It is also helpful to encourage the person to go on talking. The best way to do this, is to offer responses such as: “uh-hmm,” “yes,” “go on,” and nodding. Another way to be accepting is by offering yourself. You can offer of yourself by letting the person know that you are sincerely willing to help them. This can be done by making statements, such as “Can I sit with you”? “Would you like to talk ?” or “I would like to help.” Sometimes just being with a person is enough to be helpful, you don’t need to say anything. Words are often overrated!

We will talk alot on this blog about communication.

 Communication that works is the basis of all successful relationships: family, friends, business and more. Many relationships have been broken due to poor communication and miscommunication. If you are in the helping profession (or even not) and trying to calm someone who is in distress there are many communication techniques that you can use. My book Behavioral First Aid: Managing Emotions During Crisis is built around how to communicate with certain kind of crisis.

One of the most important means of developing and maintaining a good relationship, whether it be parent child, friends, partners or spouses is the ability to communicate with one another. These skills are also critical for professionals who work with the public.

Just how difficult effective communication can be, often comes as a surprise.

Learning to listening is the first basic communication rule to keep in mind. Unless you listen well your comments will probably not have their intended effect.

Listening
Giving your full attention to what the other person is saying is known as “active listening”.  Active listening means not only paying attention to what the person is actually saying, but also trying to understand where he/she is “coming from.” Active listening means hearing not only the actual words, but also the
message behind them. I always liken this to hearing not just the words but the music also.

 Active listening is not as easy as it sounds and takes time to develop. You may have to ask the other persons questions such as, I am not sure what you mean by that or can you say more about that?

It is important to not interrupt unless necessary. If it is necessary say something like, can I ask something, or (tell you something ) here, and wait for a response. Try to do this only when you feel you absolutely need to explain something or correct a misperception. You can say something like, “ I think if you knew this you might understand better.”

Do not be thinking ahead of what your possible responses will be while you are listening. Do try to remember the points you want to address.

I will be talking lots more about communication in this blog so stay tuned.

Here are 8 quick tips that will help you stay calm, communicate well, and provide psychological or Mental Health First Aid in and emergency or crisis.

Remember the story of the emperor’s new clothes?  Although this is a fairy tale, there are some important principles about human behavior that can be learned from it. One lesson is that if you want to believe something badly enough, you can convince yourself (and others) that it is true. This idea can be used to help you stay calm during a crisis. Here are some tips about making yourself believe in yourself.!  Fake  it till you make it!

1. Take a few seconds to look the situation over and do some self talk.
2. Imagine someone you admire is watching you
3. Act as if you are very much in control. This will actually make you feel more in control.
4. Pretend you are very confident and powerful
5. Exaggerate your calmness
6. Force yourself to talk slow, articulate clearly.
7. Be aware of your breathing, breath deep and slow.
8. Make deliberate calculated movements. You may wish to exaggerate them.

In my next post I will tell you how I learned to do this and how I used these tips to do a great job (and feel good about myself afterwards)