PsychSense: Sensible Psychological Solutions

It is at this time of year that we all get increasingly stressed and at the same time put more pressure upon ourselves to have a perfect holiday. Well that is not possible. No one has a perfect holiday. Setting realistic expectations for yourself, others and the holiday is the best advice I can offer. Here are some tips about how to do that and avoid family crises.

• Make plans well ahead of time.

• Ask others what they would prefer to do on the holiday.

• Setting up a schedule (and getting everyone to sign on) for who visits who on the holidays and sticking to it helps avoid problems. ie: grandmas on Thanksgiving, Christmas at moms, Easter at Aunt Lucy, Fourth of July at your sisters etc. This can be spread out over a few year period or rotated each year.

• If people can’t agree on who does which holiday, draw holidays from a hat!

• Ask people what they would like to bring. I think sharing the cooking works best on all get-togethers.

• If you can’t agree on what to bring, go out to dinner as a group or have it catered. Costs should be split evenly.

• Have an activity planned besides talking. Go for a walk, go to a movie, have friends for desert, play cards or a board game if this generally goes well. Hire entertainment. Make people laugh. Ask everyone to bring their favorite joke. DO SOMETHING, DON’T JUST SIT AND TALK!

• Watch a movie about a family in trouble and how they solve it. Do NOT watch one of those silly movies that portray storybook lives!

• Make a funny invitation and have everyone reply and add a list of topics they wish would be off limits during the visit. (grandmas wish for a grandchild, politics, religion etc)

• Set a time for the gathering ie 4-8 pm, try not to extend this. State the time of dinner and serve it at that time no matter who is late.

• Avoid alcohol or limit the amount on hand.

• Change the subject if a touchy topic arises. If this is not successful, say “ok who wants to go for a walk”. If no one goes you go yourself.

• Remember the things you love or at least admire about everyone present. If not to corny for you, have everyone name a strength or good point about each other as a holiday gift.

• If someone in the family is a real problem, do not invite them to the gathering. Be honest with the others beforehand. If you wish to do something separate with them arrange a lunch or similar outing.

• Take care of yourself with a simple menu, a massage the next day and give yourself a pat on the back for a good job.