Family Crises: Toxic Sister Q & A
March 16, 2009 7:10 pm Anger, Coping, Crises, Questions and Answers
Question to Dr. Duffy
Dear Dr. Duffy,
Sometimes you think you know someone— and you really don’t know them at all. I thought I knew my sister- I thought her selfishness was harmless- I had no idea that there was nothing she would not do to get her way or get what she wanted.
My sister Mary and my brother Joe were fighting twenty years ago- it was horrible. My Father went by to check on my sister- she was screaming about our brother Joe- our Father went home and went to bed and died – right then- it was too much for him! He told our Mother that he could do something with the children when they were little- but now there was nothing- nothing he could do– I was talking to my Mother on the phone when he had the heart attack- he said her name– I was trying to get her to make him go to the hospital- he wouldn’t.
Now 20 years later- here we are again….about 2 yrs ago our Mother discovered breast cancer- had the removal and went on trying to save herself, survive. I stayed at the hospital with her and our roles sort of changed – I just did my best to take care of her and knew our days were limited– as we they all are, but there is something about this- it is an unbelievable reality. The thing that happened was that my siblings did not have the same mind set– my little brother did- Bill  was the baby and they just became closer. I think I just realized that she was my Mother – the only one I would ever have and I was going to try my best to make the rest of her days as pleasant as possible- spend time with her- I called her every morning and every night— I never was ever jealous of any time any of the others spent with her- actually I was relieved because I really worried about her.
However Mary was still up to her bad behavior. She had married an older man who had children she did not care for- my sister was in huge fear that her husband would die and she would have to split their belongings with his adult  children- so my sister talked my brother and law into signing a quit claim on their house. My sister promised she would always take care of my brother in law- which did not happen- she then starting picking on him and being mean to him. One night she even called the police to have him removed from the house. The police said they could not do this- because they were married– so you guessed it- she started divorcing him. She ended up getting most of his money.
 I did witness all of this- and so did our Mother– it was horrible. Then my sister started in on me- same thing – picking on me- talking bad to me– My sister called and said horrible things to me– on and on– I did not listen to anything she said- by then- I had thought she had just lost it!
Then she started picking on our Mother– yes our Mother – who by now had had cancer my Mother was devastated – so disappointed and angry at my sister— I actually said to my Mother- I will say anything you want me to – to Mary to make her leave you alone— my Mother said,”don’t you dare” my Mother said to tell my sister when she was gone- that my sister was no longer her daughter.
Recently my Mother was so upset- so I grabbed my daughter and we ran to spend the night with her. When we got there it was 90 degrees in my Mother’s house- she thought the AC was broken- I messed with it- it was just frozen up–got it back on – turned on some fans- tried to calm my Mother- there was no calming her. Our Mother was sick with the stress from my sister- my sister had been calling our Mother and saying horrible things to her– my sister actually told my Mother she was never going to speak to her again– My Mother told her you will probably get your wish- because I am in stage 4 cancer. Of course pneumonia set in– my Mother went to the hospital- she had lost her will to live…. our Mother died shortly after.
I was with her when she died and I am still sad- I don’t think I will ever really get over this.
Oh but now my sister is trying to steal my part of what I was supposed to inherit— it is awful…..
Thank you for listening,
Sharon
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Dr Duffy’s Answer
Dear Sharon,
This is all very upsetting. We often have ideas and beliefs (understandably so) about what we want and should have in a family and end up being very disappointed and angry.
Your sister has been behaving badly for many years, this will probably not change. It sounds like both your parents could not give up on her (this is not unusual for parents). You however need to let her go. She will only cause you more grief.
Sounds like you did your best for your parents and it was a good thing your mom had you!
What you probably need to do now is cut off ties with your sister, as letting her abuse you more would just make things worse for you. Let yourself get angry, it is important not to let yourself be in the victim role! I suggest you find a good counselor to talk with to try to come to terms with your feelings and the things that have happened in your family.
You need to let a lawyer deal with the financial end of things and fight for your rights. You then can focus on taking care of yourself personally. You do not deserve to let your pain and anger effect the rest of your life. She shouldn’t have that much power over you!
Wishing you the best.
Dr. Duffy
Response from Sharon
Thank you very much- you are very right. my sister keeps pulling our chain – I think because it is all she now has left of the family.
we are taking the house to a judge this week to try to force it to sell. so we can be away from her-
she lies to people – so there is no telling what she is making up—
it is exhausting to have a toxic sister like this- I appreciate you and I know you are right on target!
Thanks again
Sharon
