What Not To Say To Someone Who is Upset
June 27, 2008 12:01 am Communication, Miscellaneous
I am often asked what to say or do to comfort someone who is upset. My answer is always : make an empathic comment. In thinking about it however I decided to give some examples of what not to say.
1.”I know just how you feel, when this happened to me blah, blah, blah.”
2. “Everything will work out for the best.”
3. “It’s time to put it behind you”
4.”You will get through this.”
5. “Thinking about it will just make you more upset.”
6. Attempts to change the subject
7. “Let me get you something” (coffee, sandwich etc).
8. “Do you want me to call your therapist, priest” etc.
As you can see, offering clichés like the examples given above will not help the situation or the distressed person. In fact they often make things worse. The person crying will sense your discomfort, may think their feelings are ignored, downplayed, or devalued. They may even become angry at you, or totally shut down.
Most of the comments listed signify the discomfort of the person trying to help. Becoming comfortable with someone who is crying, allowing the expression of feelings, and using the powerful tool of empathy are your best bets; silence also works.
At all costs, avoid clichés. Remember the power of empathy!
