Question From A reader
Dear Dr Duffy,
Where do I begin? First, a little background: I am a 23 year-old female. I have been married for 4 years to a man that is 20 years older than I. We have had two children age 3 and a newborn. We plan to have more children. They are a wonderful family.
For several years I have felt frustrated and disappointed with life, although I realize that I am extremely fortunate and very blessed. There is an emptiness inside that seems to echo louder with time and yet I cannot put a finger on what is eating away at me.
Earlier attempts at communicating with my husband regarding these issues have left me feeling weak, unimportant and angry. He doesn’t seem to hear me in anything that I say, so anymore I don’t say anything other than superficial conversing. While I am constantly surrounded by my immediate family I feel extremely alone.
I have never been a morning person, however, I sleep in as long as my children will allow me and I dread the new day for the tireless effort that will be required. I love the evenings because the day is finally over and sleep offers one slight reprieve of the emptiness. Even simple tasks seem dreadfully difficult.
I work at home but I avoid my duties and responsibilities as long as possible. The house is often in disarray and I can’t get my work done. It seems that most things that I start I cannot finish.
One of the only things that gets me through the day is the thought of alcohol at the end of the day, after the boys are in bed. I can easily drink 20-30 ounces of wine in an evening and be able to function quite well.
My biggest regret is that I am breastfeeding, and while I try to time things in the evening so that he doesn’t nurse until the early morning hours, occasionally he wakes up before then and needs to feed. Each morning I resolve to stop drinking but the strong desire to slip into oblivion at the end of the day is too much to resist, and so the cycle continues.
I used to create fantasy stories that I would live out in detail in order to escape the reality of this life. In a way I used it to cope with reality, and have always enjoyed the stories. However, since I have married and have children I have little to no time to engage in my fantasy worlds.
When I do things I enjoy my husband gets angry because I am neglecting my other duties and shoots down the small enjoyment I had, so I am back to simply mulling through life and feeling miserable.
I don’t feel that I can trust my husband with my inner feelings. I feel myself withdrawing from him. I avoid physical intimacy and have a strong desire (sometimes an uncontrollable urge) to pull back from his advances. Why do I avoid him; what is wrong with me?
- How can I engage in life with joy and enthusiasm?
- How can I rekindle my relationship with my husband?
- How can I stop drinking and find something else to take its place?
I do not want to live like this… and I pray that the Lord will help me through. If you have any suggestions, I would be very grateful.
-Alone and desperate
Answer From Dr. Duffy
Dear Alone,
There are a number of things about your letter that I would like to respond to.
First I believe you may be depressed. This could be postpartum depression or may have been present before as some of your comments suggest. Here are some things you said that make me concerned about depression.
- “Emptiness inside”
- “I used to create fantasy stories that I would live out in detail in order to escape the reality of this life”
- “The house is often in disarray and I can’t get my work done.”
- “It seems that most things that I start I cannot finish”
- “…sleep in as long as my children will allow me”
- “I dread the new day for the tireless effort that will be required”
- “I love the evenings because the day is finally over and sleep offers one slight reprieve of the emptiness.”
- “Even simple tasks seem dreadfully difficult.”
Of course I cannot make this diagnosis over the internet, I encourage you to be evaluated by a mental health professional. You may need an antidepressant but it will not help much if you continue with the alcohol.
Second: Your relationship with your husband. Although you start off saying what a wonderful family you have, you quickly talk about how unsatisfying your marriage is. It is certainly not the situation where you should have more children.
My suggestion is that you tell your husband that you are very unhappy and the situation must be taken seriously or it most likely will get worse. Be honest about your feelings and worries. Couple therapy may be necessary. If he refuses to go you need to find a professional to talk to for yourself. This will help you to figure out what to do next and help you to answer your final questions.
Third: Your alcohol intake. It sounds like you have a serious problem because you cannot stop despite multiple attempts and worries about breastfeeding. Many experts feel 2 drinks will not hurt the infant but anything over that may. (you are way over this limit!)
The other issue is alcohol makes depression worse! It is hard to know what comes first the alcohol or the depression. My suggestion would be to get some help to stop drinking first. This can be done through many programs and AA. You must do this and it sounds as if you cannot do it alone.
Please get some help, for your own sake and for the sake of your children, and your marriage. I am truly concerned about you, and send you my best.