Greetings From Molo, Kenya

Sorry I have been so long in posting. I have been in Africa for almost 2 weeks and the internet connections are painfully slow.

Let me tell you a little about my experiences so far.  I did some organizational consulting at Watoto Wa Baraka Orphanage in Makuyu about 1.5 hours north of Nairobi. This orphanage www.WatotoWaBaraka.org has about 37 children and is working hard to improve its physical facilities and volunteer program. They have many volunteers from all over the world! I made a number of suggestions about orientation, policies, health care, facilities etc. The thing I liked most as usual was playing with the children. The director of WWB Geoffrey Ngunda (check him out on face book) is a generous man, so he asked me to come about 3hrs north to a town Called Molo. Here some friends of his are struggling to help the many local orphans.

Molo was a town where many fled to after the post election violence that occurred in the farms surrounding it.  (by the way the post election violence is said to have been started by politicians to take the pressure from the world off  the unfair elections. I agree with this) The acts of brutality were horrible. Molo became a village overrun with homeless and orphans. There was a large refugee camp in town.

Chazon’s Children’s Centre (CCC) was begun in response to the numerous orphans in Molo. Samwel and Lucy Njihia, local pastors  sold some of their own land and built a school to try to provide a place of safety, food and learning for as many children as possible. They will be getting their first volunteers soon and am helping them plan for this. I am doing a variety of things (including picking sukumawiki (kale) to help feed the children. These are amazing people who are spending all their personal resources to help as many children as possible. Their dream is to open an orphanage. One of their first volunteers will help them start a website and a fundraising campaign. Again the children are so beautiful and hopeful despite being so traumatized.

I will be in USA on 7/11 again and will write more and post pictures.

 Blessings to all, Please send thoughts, prays, good vibes whatever suits you

Virginia

Are your worries overrunning the good stuff in your life?

Learn life lessons from your cat. Learn to ignore little things and keep them  from taking over your life

Little problems & concerns that often get blown out of proportion:

• Unfair criticism
• Doing the lion’s share of work
• Worry, worry, worry about things you can’t control
• Feeling misunderstood
• Feeling unappreciated
• Unable to change things

Lighten Up

• Surrender to the fact that life isn’t fair
• Don’t make things a big deal of things that aren’t
• Life is a test where failure is impossible.  
• Life’s challenges offer opportunity to grow (really)
• Ask yourself what do I need to learn here?
• Learn to listen to your inner intuitive self
• Make Melodrama  mellow
• Learn to be flexible with change
• Give yourself a break, avoid negative self talk
• Remind yourself of your strengths & successes.
• Distract yourself
• Have a friend help you look realistically at the situation
• As Scarlett Ohara said “tomorrow is another day”

 Are you one of those people who ruminate after you said or did something you regret? You know, you can’t get it out of your mind, replaying it over and over in your head. You spend lots of time thinking what you should have done or said. 

I find self-talk to help me with a reality check when I am over-worrying and can’t let go of something I regret having said or done.  A sense of humor helps to keep a reality check and goes a long way to relieving your angst.  Try these suggestions they work better the more often you use them. 

 1.     Ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen here. Take this to the extreme of your worries, no holes barred. This technique will help you to see the reality of your concerns. 

Lets say you said something you regret to your boss and you can’t stop worrying about it. So let you worries go to their extreme what is the worst that could happen? Here is an example.

• You said something really stupid to your boss
• Your boss is angry with you
• Your boss will fire you
• You will not be able to find work
• You will loose you wife and family
• You will loose you home car and all your possessions.
• You will end up on the street all-alone.

 Can you see how doing the above will help you see that your concerns are over the top?

 2.     Remind yourself that this is not the worse thing you have ever done, and you are confident that you will do more things in the future.

•  Remember when something similar happened in the past that ended with a fizzle not an explosion.
• I often tell myself in a few days I will make another faux pa and this one will be gone and I will be worrying over the new one.
• This too will pass and I will do other things that I can worry and ruminate about

 This really helps me not to take myself so seriously and remember that the earth does not respond to all my mistakes.

   3.  Reassure yourself that what you say and do is not as important to others as it is to you.

•  Often others don’t even notice and you have been totally worrying for nothing.
• Our actions are more important in our own mind than in the mind of others.
• Remember a time when this occurred.

 4.  Try and develop a philosophy that “things often happen as they are meant to be (for the best)”, and outcomes can be surprising.

• We cannot always anticipate or control the future. This is a difficult concept for some of us to accept. However, it can be very comforting as it relieves us of the belief and pressure to fix and control everything.
• As and example of this, the boss may develop more respect for you for speaking your mind.

Every holiday (but none I think as clearly as  mother’s day) reminds us that another year has passed and how time flies!

Perhaps it because the kids ‘grow so fast” and seem so much older. Then you realize how old that makes you!  There is no need to fret about the passing of the years I have some good news!

In reading May Sarton’s Journal “At Seventy” I came across this wonderful passage. A young student had asked May “Why is it good to be old” after she had expressed that sentiment. May responded very clearly:  ” Because I am more myself then I have ever been. There is less conflict. I am happier, more balanced…and more powerful”.

She goes on to explain ” it might have been more accurate to say ” I am better able to use my power. I am surer of what my life is all about have less self-doubt to conquer…

I love the way she expresses this, in my own words, I love getting older because:

• I worry less
• I do more of what I want
• I know more of what I want
• Trivial things mostly remain trivial
• I like myself better
• I forgive myself and others easier
• I enjoy the little things
• Solitude is no longer scary
• My spirituality is more solid

I am realizing more the older I get (despite aches and pains)  Any one want to add anything to these thoughts?

Happy Mothers Day !

Blue Footed Booby

When ever I go on a trip to a far off place I like to think about what I have learned. To me the important things to keep on learning are not so much facts ( I did learn a lot of these!) but what I call life lessons.

Sometimes these lessons are not so obvious. I need to put my mind to thinking about them.  One of the  lessons I seem to relearn with every new experience is that of patience,  tolerance and acceptance of differences. There are so many things about other’s behaviors that we don’t understand and often disapprove of. However, it seems to me that  when you understand more of the circumstances and situations of others (walk in their shoes)  the more their actions, if not approved of, are at least are more clearly understood.

Poverty, the need to feed oneself and one’s family, and anger at injustice,  often leads to desperate actions. I saw this in Africa and again in Ecuador. No matter what you do or say most indigenous peoples  think US citizens are rich. And by their standards we are!  Some times this belief leads to your feeling like you are being taken advantage of or made a fool of.  ( I had a group of teen approach me with hands out asking for $5.00 tip, they seemed suprised when I shooed them away in no uncertain terms.  I also had an elderly women tried to cheat me out of $20.00, I confronted her and she sheepishly moved quickly away) After I did this I found I was not so angry at these people but was able to understand somewhat their feelings .

I did not let these incidents effect me for more then a minute or two.  I reminded myself for every one of these experiences there were ten instances where I was treated with respect and genuine caring. I am getting so much better at not letting negative experiences outweigh the good things in life and ruin my mood! I think this is also  a lesson of aging that is well worth it.

I Have some  pictures of my trip that you can view at http://amazongalapagos.shutterfly.com/

Working on my Bucket List and Stress Reduction

Blue Footed Booby

Dancing for the Ladies

I’m off to the Galapagos islands in search of the blue footed booby. This bird has always fascinated me and long been on my list to see. This seems like a good year to visit Galapagos because it is the 200 anniversary of Charles Darwin’s birth. He has always also been of great  interest to me.

Here is some information on the Blue footed booby for those interested.

The Blue-footed Booby is strictly a marine bird. Their only need for land is to breed which they do along rocky coasts.

The Blue-footed Booby is on average 32 inches long and weighs about 3 lbs. The females are slightly larger than the males.  The Blue-footed Booby’s eyes are yellow. The male has more yellow on its iris than the female does.  The booby’s eyes are placed on either side of their bill and oriented towards the front.

The Blue-footed Booby has permanently closed nostrils specialized for diving. They breathe through the corners of their mouths. Their feet range from a pale turquoise to a deep aquamarine. Males and younger birds have lighter feet than females do.

 The Blue-footed Booby male flaunts his blue feet and dances when he wants  to impress the female. During the dance, the male will spread his wings and stamp his feet on the ground. The Blue-footed Booby is usually a one women man and reunites at the breeding grounds with his true love.

Crabapple Tree

I needed some personal spring rejuvenation this week. I spent time taking care of myself and I thought I would share these reminders with other women:

•   Reminded myself for the umpteenth time to take care of myself, it will make me more able to help others and feel less taken advantage of.
•   I said lots of “no’s” this week, actually cancelled 2 engagements (boy did that feel good).  Spent some very restful time alone. 
• I napped often
•  Took  care of others when I  wanted to, not because it was expected.  This resulted in feeling  more genuine and less exhausted.
• Had an opportunity to blow my own horn and took it.
•  Reminded myself that helping people help themselves is the best thing you can do for them. Making them dependent on you is poison. 
• I need to keep working on learning to take care of myself first. This is a lifelong process that easily seems to get lost.
    

 Learn more techniques for self care in specific situations in Behavioral First Aid: Managing Emotions During Emergencies.

Holidays are often just the opposite of what they should be. Easter is no different.

Here are a few tips to help you enjoy the day.

• If you are cooking, keep it simple, plan what others will bring. Give them a choice, “can you bring a salad or dessert?”  Make dinner later in the day to reduce stress, people are usually tired and don’t stay too long.

• Put a time frame on your invitation.  Say something like “We will be having our Easter celebration from 4-7 pm, dinner is at 430″.  Start dinner at 430 regardless who is late.

• If you are going to someone elses for dinner bring a prearranged dish and arrive 5-10 minutes before the designated time. Plan to stay 2-3 hours.

• Get outside for a walk.

• Spend some time with the person you love the most.

• Spend some time alone.

• Let your husband (wife) or grandma  take the kids for the egg hunt or to church and you stay in bed.  Reciprocate the favor later in the day. You each get at least one hour for yourself!

• Try to keep what you believe is the significance of the day  in mind.

• Try to sit back and watch others, especially the kids. Don’t get involved in intense discussions. Get up and leave if you must. 

• Tell those you love just that.

• Plan for a slow start Monday am.

I am worried my brother has some kind of paranoia disorder.  He believes people are following him, listening and watching him through radio transmissions, etc.  He is not to the point where he’s totally disfunctional but he lost her job because of it and  family relations are seriously strained.  His family and  work have tried to get him to seek psychological counseling but he refuses.  What can I do to help him when he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him?

Thank you,
Joe

Joe,
This is always a difficult situation, trying to get help for someone who needs it but is unwilling. This happens frequently. Families often become so frustrated in situations like this because they love the person who is clearly in desperate need of treatment and feel helpless to make it happen..

 In your case, your  brother sounds like he  has some serious psychotic symptoms. That means he cannot differentiate them from reality. Psychotic symptoms can be seen in acute drug use and a number of mental  illnesses such as schizophrenia, Bipolar I disorder and others. He  clearly needs evaluation and probably medications.

Here is what I suggest. You need to use “tough love”. That is not an easy thing to do. I suggest a family meeting with your brother with one person speaking for the family. You must be together on this and speak clearly.  He should be told that he needs help and if he refuses you will no longer support him in some way. (ie money, visits etc). Try to be gentle but FIRM and stick to it. Offer to go with him to an appointment, and support him as much as you can and remind him that you love him. When you do this things might actually get worse at first but that may be necessary to force the issue. Sometimes the  situation needs to turn into a crisis for something to happen.

 At any point if your brother does anything unsafe or threatening to herself or others call the police immediately. They will make a mental hygiene arrest and take him to the nearest hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.  Remember these actions may seem drastic and harsh and your brother may get angry but in the long run they may save him from a much worse situation.

One other thing, I suggest you make an appointment with a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse practitioner. If you cant do that speak with his primary care provider and see if she is willing to see him and prescribe if necessary (PCP do not specialize in mental illness and often prefer not to treat them). Do not see a counselor as they will only refer him somewhere else and that will mean another appointment.

Please also remember to take care of yourself.

Good luck
Dr. Duffy.

Question to Dr. Duffy

Dear Dr. Duffy,

Sometimes you think you know someone— and you really don’t know them at all.  I thought I knew my sister- I thought her selfishness was harmless-  I had no idea that there was nothing she would not do to get her way or get what she wanted.
My sister Mary and my brother Joe were fighting twenty years ago- it was horrible.  My Father went by to check on my sister- she was screaming about our brother Joe- our Father went home and went to bed and died - right then- it was too much for him! He told our Mother that he could do something with the children when they were little- but now there was nothing- nothing he could do– I was talking to my Mother on the phone when he had the heart attack- he said her name– I was trying to get her to make him go to the hospital- he wouldn’t.
Now 20 years later- here we are again….about 2 yrs ago our Mother discovered breast cancer- had the removal and went on trying to save herself, survive.  I stayed at the hospital with her and our roles sort of changed - I  just did my best to take care of her and knew our days were limited– as we they all are, but there is something about this- it is an unbelievable reality.  The thing that happened was that my siblings did not have the same mind set– my little brother did- Bill  was the baby and they just became closer.  I think I just realized that she was my Mother - the only one I would ever have and I was going to try my best to make the rest of her days as pleasant as possible- spend time with her- I called her every morning and every night— I never was ever jealous of any time any of the others spent with her- actually I was relieved because I really worried about her.

However Mary was still up to her bad behavior. She had married an older man who  had children  she did not care for- my sister was in huge fear that her husband would die and she would have to split their belongings with his adult  children- so my sister talked my brother and law into signing a quit claim on their house.  My sister promised she would always take care of my brother in law- which did not happen- she then starting picking on him and being mean to him.  One night she even called the police to have him removed from the house.  The police said they could not do this- because they were married– so you guessed it- she started divorcing him. She ended up getting most of his money.
 I did witness all of this- and so did our Mother– it was horrible.  Then my sister started in on me- same thing - picking on me- talking bad to me– My sister called and said horrible things to me– on and on– I did not listen to anything she said- by then- I had thought she had just lost it!
Then she started picking on our Mother– yes our Mother - who by now had had cancer my Mother was devastated - so disappointed and angry at my sister— I actually said to my Mother- I will say anything you want me to - to Mary to make her leave you alone— my Mother said,”don’t you dare” my Mother said to tell my sister when she was gone- that my sister was no longer her daughter.
Recently my Mother was so upset- so I grabbed my daughter and we ran to spend the night with her.  When we got there it was 90 degrees in my Mother’s house- she thought the AC was broken- I messed with it- it was just frozen up–got it back on - turned on some fans- tried to calm my Mother- there was no calming her.  Our Mother was sick with the stress from my sister- my sister had been calling our Mother and saying horrible things to her– my sister actually told my Mother she was never going to speak to her again– My Mother told her you will probably get your wish- because I am in stage 4 cancer. Of course pneumonia set in– my Mother went to the hospital- she had lost her will to live…. our Mother died shortly after.

I was with her when she died and I am still sad- I don’t think I will ever really get over this.
Oh but now my sister is trying to steal my part of what I was supposed to inherit— it is awful…..

Thank you for listening,

Sharon
 

Dr Duffy’s Answer

Dear Sharon,

This is all very upsetting. We often have ideas and beliefs (understandably so) about what we want and should have in a family and end up being very disappointed and angry.

Your sister has been behaving badly for many years, this will probably not change. It sounds like both your parents could not give up on her (this is not unusual for parents). You however need to let her go. She will only cause you more grief.

Sounds like you did your best for your parents and it was a good thing your mom had you!

What you probably need to do now is cut off ties with your sister, as letting her abuse you more would just make things worse for you. Let yourself get angry, it is important not to let yourself be in the victim role! I suggest you find a good counselor to talk with to try to come to terms with your feelings and the things that have happened in your family.

You need to let a lawyer deal with the financial end of things and fight for your rights. You then can focus on taking care of yourself personally. You do not deserve to let your pain and anger effect the rest of your life. She shouldn’t have that much power over you!

Wishing you the best.

Dr. Duffy

Response from Sharon

Thank you very much- you are very right.  my sister keeps pulling our chain - I think because it is all she now has left of the family.
we are taking the house to a judge this week to try to force it to sell.  so we can be away from her-
she lies to people - so there is no telling what she is making up—
it is exhausting to have a toxic sister like this- I appreciate you and I know you are right on target!

Thanks again

Sharon