Communication

Eight of the Worst Things to Say to Someone Who is Crying

Virginia J. Duffy PhD, Nurse Practitioner in Psychiatry

When people try to comfort others who are upset and crying they usually mean well. However sometimes the things they say not only don't help, they may actually make the situation worse.

Here are some of the worst things someone can say when attempting to comfort another. You will also find variations on the comment that are common, what the message is you are sending the crier, and what their reactions you might see. I hope this helps you to know what to avoid saying, and how to "Say the Right Thing."

1."I know just how you feel, when this happened to me blah, blah, blah."

Variations on this theme

My friend went through the same thing.
Everyone goes through this at one time in his or her life.

What the person crying is hearing

They are not special.
This is no big deal.

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feeling ignored, brushed off.
Attempts to hide feelings
Anger

2. "Everything will be ok."

Variations on this theme

You will get over this.
It's not as bad as you think

What the person crying is hearing

Don't worry
You're exaggerating
It's not such a big thing

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feeling Patronized
Making light of the problems
Anger

3. "It's time to move forward.

Variations on this theme:

You will get through this
Just forget it
Don't think about it

What the person crying is hearing

They should be over it by now
They are taking too long to heal
Their crying is going on too long

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feels criticized
Self doubt
Feels this as an attack on self-esteem
Anger

4."You will feel better soon."

Variations on this theme

You will be ok.
It will be over soon.
You will be fine.

What the person crying is hearing

It's not so bad
You are taking this too seriously
There is nothing to cry about

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feeling patronized
Anger
Not believing you

5. "Please don't cry you are making yourself more upset."

Variations on this theme

Try to get a hold of yourself
Don't get so upset
You will make yourself sick
You should calm down

What the person crying is hearing

Crying is bad
They are out of control
They are at risk of loosing control

Possible reactions of the person crying

Attempts to control crying that don't work
Worry that they are overreacting
Fear for themselves
Anger at you

6. Any attempts to change the subject

Variations on this theme

Anything that ignores what the person crying is saying

What the person crying is hearing

You don't want to listen
Crying is unacceptable
They shouldn't talk about upsetting things

Possible reactions of the person crying

Attempts to control crying that don't work
Worry that they are overreacting
Fear for themselves
Embarrassment
Anger at you

7. How about if I make you a cup of tea (coffee etc)

Variations on this theme

Can I get you something
You should rest

What the person crying is hearing

You don't them to continue talking
Crying is unacceptable
This is a minor situation

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feels ignored or brushed off
Shut down, stop talking
Anger at you


8. Do you want me to call your therapist, priest etc

Variations on this theme

You need to talk to your therapist about this.
Taking the person to the hospital for a crisis appointment
Calling another person in to talk to the person

What the person crying is hearing

They are so upset you need a professional
You are not interested
You are unable to deal with this (or don't want to)
They are sick or weak
They are out of control

Possible reactions of the person crying

Attempts to quiet self that don't work
Worry that they are sick
Anger at you

As you can see, offering clichés like the examples given above will not help the situation or the distressed person. In fact they often make things worse. The person crying may become angry or totally shut down.

Most of the comments listed signify the discomfort of the person trying to help. Becoming comfortable with someone who is crying, allowing the expression of feelings, and using the powerful tool of empathy are your best bets; silence also works.

At all costs, avoid clichés.

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